The Onion’s Test Sweatshop helps you find the perfect spring cleaning products

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Deciding which products will meet your basic needs or fill that gaping hole in your heart can be stressful. onion‘s Test Sweatshop is here to help. Every product we recommend has been tested for over 50,000 hours by our army of contracted product testers. onion don’t make money from these recommendations because we couldn’t figure out how.

General cleaner
409 Mystery Cleanser: Is it safe on glass? Drink? Is it a multi-surface product? Just spray it on and see if you’ve ruined your counter.

Room decluttering
A supermassive black hole: For those looking to declutter, a supermassive black hole is the perfect place to dump excess particles taking up space around your home.

Gentle Cleanser
Margery’s Organic Gentle Wash: If you prefer a chemical-free cleaner that won’t harm wood, stains, germs, bacteria or other pathogens.

Grout Cleaner
Your ex’s toothbrush: Great for cleaning grime between bathroom tiles, and it’s not like they’ll ever come back.

New house
Zillow: If you’re ever overwhelmed with spring cleaning, get moving! There are thousands of cleaner homes on the market, and you can find the best prices with Zillow.

Home Organizer
The hall closet: Quick, just put the rest of that stuff in there.

Floor cleaner
John Deere Lawn Mower Bristle Attachment: Trim that overgrown tile to size with this bristle sleeve that fits directly over the rotating blades of your riding mower.

Scented room spray
A shit from Febreze: Go crazy with this stuff all over the place, and you should be good for a few weeks.

Fire: Only flames can truly purify the impure.

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